How To Save the U.S. Economy

David Castellano, Jr.
4 min readNov 2, 2020

By Paying People Less and Using Slaves

GDP Growth Projection Model from The School of Graph Literacy at Prager University

This year has been horrible for businesses. Because of COVID-19, the economy is shit and unemployment rates are skyrocketing.

Well thankfully, I have a solution to solve both issues. It’s a two-pronged approach that is unbelievably simple:

We must lower the minimum wage and use slaves.

Now, you’re probably thinking “Who is this guy? He sounds crazy. What the hell does he know?”

Well unlike you, a low-IQ individual, I happen to have a PhD!

It’s in Psychology, which means that I actually know a lot about psychology, and by extension, other stuff that I’ve never studied before.

So let me (a genius) explain to you (a dumb person) how this two-pronged system will save the economy and essentially obliterate the unemployment rate.

Lowering the Minimum Wage

We need to lower the minimum wage so that companies, especially the extremely vulnerable big corporations, have more money to hire more people.

Think about it.

Those helpless giant corporations can hire more employees and pay them with all the extra money they’ll be saving from paying their current employee less.

More employees means less people unemployed. Less people unemployed, means lower unemployment rates.

It’s so obvious, I don’t understand why anyone hasn’t thought of this yet.

“But what about small businesses?”

you stupidly ask as if I, a very brilliant Dr. of Psychology, haven’t thought about that.

Well the answer is one word: slavery

Now we can all agree that slavery is wrong. And we know slavery is wrong because it’s illegal, and all illegal things are bad. That’s why they’re illegal.

But what if I told you there’s good slavery, and it’s just waiting for small businesses to utilize it.

Well thanks to the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, using slaves is still an option!

You’re probably confused because you’re not well-read like myself and thought the 13th Amendment actually abolished slavery.

If that’s the case, then you’re an absolute moron, and wrong, and probably a woman.

See, the 13th Amendment actually only abolished the bad kind of slavery. That’s why it’s illegal, as I have already mentioned.

The good kind of slavery is still legal — obviously.

It exists in the prison system, where prisoners are legally obligated to work voluntarily because they’re morally bankrupt and don’t deserve money.

Prison labor is already being used by the big job-creating companies like IBM, McDonald’s, and JC Penny, so allowing small business to also tap into that resource would even the playing field.

This would make small businesses more competitive and save their company from going under.

“But how would this work?” you’re probably still asking because your small-brained and have a uterus and/or gay.

Well, say you own apparel company and you need to cut costs — to hire more employees, of course.

Well, all you need to do is change your manufacturing location from China or Indonesia or wherever you’re paying little Asian people to make your stuff, and move it to a nearby prison where strong American inmates will do the same job for free.

And it gets better!

With your manufacturing operation localized, you can now advertise that your products are “Made in the USA.”

Want even more incentive?

Since the prison population is mostly racial and ethnic minorities, using free prison labor (slaves) will increase your company’s employee diversity in the process. Considering all the protests going on now, there’s never been a better time to advertise to potential customers that you’ve added people of color to your company. BLM!

To Recap

With all the money companies will save by using prison labor, they can now afford to hire more workers, who will be paid less thanks to a lower minimum wage, allowing even more employees to be hired and paid. It’s like a feedback loop of employment.

With more workers, unemployment rates will drop off immediately and the economy will be saved!

I literally cannot think of any falts in this plan because there is none — because I thought of it.

Just look at this graph showing how beneficial enacting these two practices would be to our economy using unambiguous, hard numbers:

School of Economics at Prager University

So let’s save the economy!

Pay people less and use slaves!

--

--

David Castellano, Jr.

Yes, that article was a joke. I need validation so follow me on Twitter: @justplainpapi