Petition For Me To Replace The Worst Person In Your Friend-Group
It’s time.
Let’s face it…
You have at least one person in your friend-group(s) who definitely does not belong there. Maybe they grew apart from y’all. Maybe they’re mean or boring. Maybe you found out they did something appalling and they need to be cancelled ASAP. Whatever the reason, the whole group agrees that this one friend objectively sucks, but this person has been around for so long that y’all don’t how to get rid of them without creating a void. Well, look no further because I have the solution for you. I am starting a petition for me to replace the worst person in your friend-group.
Truthfully, I need more friends in New York City. I already have a few friends, but I need more. The problem is that I am a bit shy and don’t know how to approach people that well. Often times, I see and overhear people in real life having fun, and I’m like, “Wow. They seem so cool. I wish I could hang out with them,” but then I do nothing about it and hop on Twitter. I’ve even tried meeting friends through apps before, but every single person on there was a bot that wanted me to fuck them. Now, I may be a messy bitch who loves drama, and even though my girlfriend, whom I love very much, would be cool with it, I refuse to dick down all of those lovely fake bot-people because I am looking for FRIENDSHIP.
So to tackle my issue of needing more friends and your issue of having a shitty friend in your friend-group(s), I have devised this very simple solution of switching us out. Now, you may be asking yourselves, “What are the benefits of having you around?” Well, here’s just a few reasons why you should let me replace your shitty friend:
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About me:
I like comic books and comedy! I love hip-hop and I can freestyle rap (only in the shower). I have a driver’s license and can ride a bike (I don’t own a car or bike). I can also ride a skateboard (goofy stance only. No transition skating or tricks of any kind). Almost all my closest friends since middle school have been women, so I can hang with the girls. I’m also ideologically far-left, so I may even radicalize you! I love improv, but if you think that’s stupid, that’s cool too because I also think improv is dumb. I like Henny and hate IPAs. Also, while I normally don’t do drugs on my own, I will do some if that’s what the group is up to. I’m down for whatever! Best of all, I will lie to cover your asses, and I NEVER talk to cops.
What will my presence bring to the group?
Does your friend-group need more diversity? Great news, I’m Mexican-American! I can tell you all about growing up on the Mexican border in Texas, as well as give you my honest opinions of whatever Mexican food we’re eating together (it’s usually negative). But what if you’re a white friend-group and the thought of having a Mexican around makes you feel even a little bit uncomfortable for some reason? Well first of all, fuck you. But also, my family says I’m pretty white-washed and my skin is kind of a light-tan, so you probably wouldn’t even know I was Chicano unless I told you — which I will because I’m not erasing my upbringing for you, cracker. Anyways, this level of whiteness I possess will arguably make you feel comfortable enough for me to correct your implicit white-biases without you becoming too defensive. It will also allow me to inject some non-white American cultural perspective into your group’s conversations! Lastly, while I would prefer that you call me by my name, I will allow a transitionary period where you all can refer to me by your old friend’s name until you get used to mine.
So what do you say?
If this idea entices you, please sign my petition linked below and share it with your friend-group(s). Hopefully, you’re not the person getting replaced.
If you would like more info, please feel free to follow and DM me on social media @justplainpapi. Unless you’re a bot trying to fuck. I already told you — I love my girlfriend and NO MEANS NO.
Thanks!
